I am.....

I was the girl in high school that was the “good one”, I never drank, partied or participated in risky behavior, rather I was doing community service, being nice to everyone and being the perfect one I thought I had to be. I had the nice clothes, the name brand bags, shoes and the big house. However, on the inside I was screaming. I was unhappy, lonely and frustrated with Jesus for allowing my parents to divorce, allowing my stepfather to pass away and allowing my house to burn to the ground. I was screaming for something more, a more I thought I could find in my church. I was raised in a strict catholic home; I attended catholic school till 6^th grade, went to church on Sundays, went to confession and prayed before family meals. I taught religious education at my church for 4 years and was who I thought Jesus wanted me to be. Yet, I was still empty and alone. How was I still empty when I was doing all of these things for others and was going to church and doing what I thought to be godly?

 

Senior year of high school came and went and I later committed to Penn State New Kensington. About 3 months into the school year, I began talking to a guy who I thought was all I deserved. I thought I deserved his taunts, his hateful and hurtful comments and his want for me to be the person he wanted. I believed that all I needed was him. During this time, I began a journey of a lifetime; a journey I thought would make him love me. Picture a 240 pound girl, short, has acne and unhappiness written all over her face; that was me; the fat girl who just wanted to be loved and be accepted. Over the next few months, I ate healthy, began running and shed more weight, but the taunting continued and I was still empty. After, almost an 8 month abusive relationship, I grew the courage to end it, but the taunting did not end. As I walked down the halls to class every morning I would hear a walrus imitation and gagging noises coming from behind me. All I wanted was to be loved and yet again, I became frustrated. How could Jesus do this to me?

 

1 year later, 105 pounds gone and successfully finishing a half marathon and many 5ks I transferred to University Park. I was still empty and looking for more; a more that I gave up on, but Jesus had other plans for me. About 3 weeks into the semester, my roommate Kara invited me to DCF and to be honest I was not very convinced. I could see the change in her and how Jesus had impacted her life in the short months of the previous semester but I just didn’t think it was for me. She later asked me to join her at Calvary church but I was hesitant because I assumed it was like the strict Catholic Church I grew up in. I found myself crying as we left the service, I was overwhelmed and so impacted by the service, but still I wasn’t convinced and I questioned whether I was empty because I didn’t have Jesus. About 2 more weeks went by and I continued to come to DCF on Fridays, I started attending Gospel Group Thursday nights and Calvary on Sundays but it was not until I heard Zack talking about how Jesus was all I needed that it truly clicked. For the first time it hit a spot in my heart; a spot that had never been touched. I left feeling confident that Jesus was in fact all I needed.  I didn’t need everyone else’s approval or the love from someone who clearly was not for me; I needed Jesus.

Over the past month I have found myself really examining my life and what is really important to me. Realizing that I am not alone and unwanted. Jesus is with me all day every day and God sent Jesus so that I could be saved of my sins. He wanted me how I was; I don’t have to change or be perfect for him to love me. My thoughts were confirmed while at fall conference when once again I felt Jesus’ presence; his presence in my heart. I felt different, a good different. While talking with Kara about what was on my mind and while reflecting on that day’s talk I caught myself say, “since I am a baby Christian now.” After speaking those words; I burst into tears and for the first time I called myself a Christian. I accepted Jesus as my savoir and as the only person I needed. I was not alone and no longer empty; a feeling id been trying to fill for so many years. I am a baby Christian.